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| Tracking the Economy of Respect |
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Is anybody else mystified or amused by the sheer
multitude of kids expecting to be respected
these
days? Personally, I can't recall a time when I've heard
the "R" word brought up in therapy so consistently. It
seems that respect, or more specifically, a lack of it, is
increasingly the main reason that children - as young
as four - are succumbing to a low mood, poor
behavior, or school lethargy.
How did respect come to be so highly prized?
And why do so many children treat it as though it were
a requirement for happiness?
Has respect suddenly become scarce, or
conversely, could it be that the insatiable appetite for
respect is a newish phenomenon; perhaps driven by
the solipsistic social mythologies that young people
hungrily devour until they become "sick."
My money is on the latter explanation.
Some kids have become conditioned to think of
respect as a "right." Consequently, rather than
believing that respect is earned, they believe it is
something that is deserved, no strings attached.
These sorts of expectations are so common that
hardly anyone bothers to feel embarrassed by them
anymore. To the contrary, getting a lot for giving very
little is construed as a "win." Of course there is more
than one reason for this phenomenon, but it's hard to
shake off the feeling that the magic of
compound interest is largely to blame.
Let's face it, the merriment of the last two
decades (which came to an abrupt halt in October,
2008) was in no small way attributable to the rapid
escalation of wealth made possible by compound
interest. Even those who weren't big investors enjoyed
the ensuing excess. And we shouldn't be surprised to
find that an economic phenomenon like investing
informs the way we go about conducting social
transactions.
Supply and Demand
Social transactions shape the balance of power in
relationships, whether between peers, siblings, or
parent and child. In an authoritarian relationship,
respect is mandated as a sign of submission, which
helps to explain why kids who think well of themselves
have a penchant for being disrespectful toward some
authority figures. If the cost of giving respect is
diminishing oneself, a good many kids will walk away
from the deal.
Yet the key distortion that underlies the
economy of respect is that it is finite - a limited
resource to be mined and hoarded. The value of
respect as a sign of social status, whether within a
clique, classroom, or family, has risen markedly -
especially because it is understood to be a scarce
and desirable commodity.
So today, many kids believe that to get respect,
one must take or leverage respect. It needn't involve
physical force, but verbal taunting, stubbornness, and
passive resistance are all common approaches to
acquisition in the marketplace of respect.
Think of the boy who allows all kinds of privileges
to be taken away for refusing to do his homework,
sulking, yet oddly proud of himself for standing his
ground. Or think of the queen bee so intent on
wearing
her clique's crown that she is willing to verbally
menace any girl who attempts to procure more than
her allotted share of attention or decision-making
power. Every case of respect deprivation stems from
the notion that respect is an economy of limited
supply. To the victors go the spoils.
It's difficult to pinpoint the exact trigger for this
reframe of respect, although the importance of respect
is referred to often in popular music. Frequently, these
artists pose as "gangstas," but live lives that bear no
more resemblance to gang culture than yours or
mine. It's no secret than many artists have exploited
the psychology of youth by elevating antisocial
rebellion to a form of pride - self-respect. Not
surprisingly, this distorted understanding of self-
respect shuns humility in favor of rampant narcissism.
It's a cynical approach to creative expression,
ultimately weakening individual development, but it's
just too grumpy and politically unsavory to hamper the
music industry's right to amass fortunes at the
expense of our children's emotional wellbeing. Sigh.
"Let's Play Chicken"
A perennial source of frustration for parents and
teachers is a child whose demand for respect paints
him into a corner, where there's nothing left to do
except play "chicken." This sort of confrontation is
often contagious, infecting siblings or classmates.
Why? Because kids are reliably impressed by other
kids who refuse to back down. A child who rationalizes
resistance as pride or self-respect makes it harder for
adults to break the spell of magical thinking that
permeates this behavior.
Still, although a game of chicken can feel sporting
when played with a cadre of admiring onlookers, it is
decidedly less satisfying when the exhibitionism
comes to an end, and all there is left to do is resolve
the problem. I wonder if I'm the only therapist who has
seen more than a few tough guys reduced to tears of
frustration as they come to terms with the realization
that they "stood their ground" on a false economy of
leveraged acknowledgement.
A Boundless Crop
But I've got some good news. The terms under which
respect is negotiated can be readjusted by a change
of milieu and/or interaction style. The key to this
readjustment is to give away the very thing that is most
coveted. Essentially, respect is created by giving it
away to others. If this sounds like the same way that
love is created, you're right. That's because the roots
of respect are firmly planted in the positive regard for
another person's being. In this sense, respect is
neither a leveraged acquisition, nor a signifier of
social status, it is an acceptance of another person's
sovereign self.
If you have been frustrated with your own "respect-
ability," ask yourself if you've been generous in
bestowing respect on others, including kids. For
example, there seems to be little logic in respecting a
young child who is defiant with the most routine
requests. Yet respect is the fulcrum on which
cooperation tilts, and until one understands how to
practically convey respect (without surrendering
authority), the prospects for achieving cooperation on
a consistent basis are dim.
I'm not asking adults to buy into an undeserved
sense of entitlement, or acquiesce to unnecessarily
belligerent, provocative, or illogical behavior. But I am
suggesting that when we attempt to "hold the line" in
offering our own respect, we adopt the same
mythology that's plaguing our children - that to
give respect means to lose it.
To ask for compliance without first offering
respect - acknowledging the presence of a sovereign
self - is like pushing your way through a crowd without
bothering to say "excuse me" - just because the
crowd has, on surface, less status than your self. As
much as we may love our children or students, we are
only temporary caretakers of their sovereign selves. If
you're anything like me, you find that notion hard to
accept. But when we do, the urgency of giving respect
is plain to see.
Pay it Forward
Offering respect is one of the primary ways in which
we earn the right to be respected by others. Yet the
moral development of youth often precludes this sort
of understanding. So most kids hitch their beliefs
about respect to the distorted social mythologies
implicit in various sorts of media.
Please don't take too much time trying to explain
this phenomenon to the important kids in your life.
Instead, demonstrate respect's abundance by
finding ways to insert it into conversation, interaction,
and play. Respect is not an abstraction or social virtue
to be taught, as much as it is a philosophy to be lived
and modeled.
The American transcendentalist Henry David Thoreau suggested that a
prospective challenge to
respecting others is the fact that most of us live and
work in close social proximity. He seemed to be
saying that respect is easier at a distance - and this
from a man who made a point of sequestering
himself in the woods for most of the week. Yet most of
us can likely appreciate Thoreau's point. It's in the
intimacy of daily life, replete with all sorts of social
transactions, that respect gets lost in the shuffle.
Seeing one another close up simply makes it
harder to ignore our respective blemishes. We bear
witness to one another's imperfections, and must find
a way to look past them to see the sovereign self
waiting, patiently or not, for the positive regard that
makes it possible to pay respect forward.
In this regard, a life lived without tangible signs of
respect is tantamount to poverty. Why, then, should we
be surprised to see that some kids will hold us up for
what they don't know how to get any other way?
All newsletter content - Copyright,
2009, Adam
Cox
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| What's News |
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These Walls Have Eyes
Here's an interesting study conducted at the
Psychology Department at the University of Newcastle.
In this particular academic department there is a box
on the coffee counter. On the wall above it, a note
shows the prices for coffee and tea, and explains that
payment should be left in the box. The department has
employed this system for many years.
However, for 10 weeks in 2006, Melissa Bateson
and her colleagues placed an image above the note.
Every week they changed the picture, alternating
between images of eyes and flowers. They tracked the
amount of money received versus the amount of
liquids consumed each week and plotted the results
in this graph. Nearly 3 times as much money was
collected on weeks when the eyes were watching. The
graphic above (from their report) shows the picture
used each week and the income it generated.
As someone who has been fascinated by kids
who have trouble "reading" facial expressions, I find
this study particularly interesting. Is it possible that
kids with underactive right hemispheres, who tend to
be confused about the meaning of facial expressions,
might be more vulnerable to dishonesty because their
cortices don't benefit from the same system
of "checks and balances" on impulsivity as others do?
Let me know if you've observed that nonverbal
learning disabilities are associated with less anxiety
about getting "caught."
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| Ask Dr. Cox |
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Q. I have a couple of friends whose middle-school
aged sons are particularly challenged with getting
schoolwork done, getting dressed, etc. without a
struggle (one is diagnosed with ADHD). Compared to
other friends' homes, these two are particularly
chaotic in that the parents have a lot of outside
activities and interests, there are few routines, the
house is cluttered, etc. I am wondering if you have
noticed any patterns like this with the families you
work with?
Carol, Pittsburgh, PA
Dear Carol,
Your description of your friend's home is all too
familiar - and more often than not, is associated with
productivity problems. Structure and routine are great
friends to kids with executive dysfunction (ADHD).
Without structure, most kids have difficulty thinking
past the present moment. It's a distortion of time that
can lead to some significant consequences,
especially in school. As well, clutter is more than an
issue of whether people care about "messiness."
Organization problems lead to all kinds of problems
with output, which in turn leads to stress. In a few
recent books it has become fashionable to write these
concerns off as "hyper-parenting." Yet my work with
families suggests that relatively few are so
perfectionistic that hyper-parenting is the problem.
Instead, there is often a problem with whole families
not seeing how process is related to outcome.
Q. My son, age 17, recently had a girl break up
with him. I wasn't aware that they were much more
than friends until I found out from my other son. Since
that time, he's been withdrawn and depressed. But
my concern is that while he's working this out his
academic work is suffering. He is at a very competitive
school and I'm worried that he's losing ground that he
won't be able to make up later. His father and I were
wondering what you thought about our contacting his
teachers in confidence to let them know what's going
on. We know that they are mystified why this former
star student is lacking interest. Another option we
thought of was looking into a leave of absence - what
do you think?
Jeanna, NYC
Dear Jeanna,
I think every one of us would like to take a leave of
absence when our heart is broken. Going through the
motions when we are unhappy, stressed,
embarrassed or angry is hard and lonely. If your son
is evaluated by a professional and it is determined
that he is clinically depressed, then you may want to
look at all options. But my immediate reaction is that
removing him from the distractions, challenges, and
opportunities that school offers could be leading him
in precisely the wrong direction. That doesn't mean he
doesn't deserve support - and he may appreciate the
opportunity to work out some of his concerns in
therapy while he attends school.
With regard to telling his teachers, I would not do
so without his permission. You might suggest that he
speak to them himself, letting them know that he's
going through a tough time for personal reasons, but
refrain from elaborating about the details. Living and
working through pain is one of the things adults do -
and a 17 year old boy is on his way to adulthood. We
all know adults who continue to work and care for
others throughout painful circumstances, and we
admire their resilience. Rule out a serious depression
by a visit to a therapist, but then help your son to learn
about his own capacity for strength under
pressure.
Q. Help! My two kids, an age 8 boy and age 6
girl, love to visit my parents (their grandparents). My
parents are very kid-friendly and informal. Grandpa
Joe will get down on the floor and play, make jokes,
and uses silly voices that they love. Grandma Kate
plans projects with them and takes them fishing. But
my husband's parents feel neglected. They love their
grandkids, but are much more formal. They ask my
kids how they are doing in school, offer lots of advice,
and are very nice, but they just aren't as fun as my
parents. Naturally my kids want to go to my parent's
house more! This hurts my husband's feelings and
theirs, too. I'm all for equal time but what do I do? I
have coached my kids about being polite but my
husband can't help notice a difference in their
enthusiasm about visiting one set of
grandparents.
Amy, Orlando, FL
Dear Amy,
Your kids are fortunate to have so many adults
interested in being part of their lives! I assume you're
not saying things like, "Hey kids, we can rock out at
Joe and Kate's kid-palace today, but I suppose we
could quietly pay our respects to your other
grandparents if necessary." That being said, your
husband's parents are, by your own report, very nice,
and deserve comparable time with your two kids. Just
because they are more reserved doesn't mean that
your children can't enjoy those visits in a different way.
Perhaps you and your husband can make the visits
more pleasurable through your own interactions with
the children.
A lot of people who genuinely like children don't
have a "knack" for relating to them. The relationships
may change when your children are older. Perhaps
you can plan a family event with both sets of
grandparents, so that your husband's parents will
have a chance to observe the interactions your
children enjoy. Good luck!
Q. Okay, so here's my so-called "problem." My
16 year old daughter is mature enough to drive, but my
16 year old son is not (they are twins). How do I
handle this?
Mark, Chevy Chase, MD
Dear Mark,
So much of the answer depends on how your family
has handled issues of individual difference all along.
That being said, there's no way you should allow your
son on the road before he's ready, in order to
appease any sense of injustice. Research indicates
that teenage boys still are at higher risk for car
accidents than girls. In addition, there are individual
differences in the development of executive control
skills. Whether you allow a replacement privilege or
delay your daughter's access to a car until both are
ready to drive, I'd recommend involving a neutral third
party if you think you'll have trouble sticking to your
decision. Blame me and the National Safety
Council if necessary.
Find more helpful articles and insights at:
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