Most
visitors to my website have a strong interest in how to build
social skills among children and teens. That's great, because
social skills make a huge difference in a child's happiness
and success - and they are skills that can be built and improved
in everyone. Naturally, all kids have a different starting
point. As we coach kids in these skills, our job is to work
toward closing the gap between their current level of social
achievement and what they are ultimately capable of.
As a speaker, it's interesting to "check the pulse"
and hear what the common concerns of parents and educators are
across the country. In the last few weeks I've been at places
as diverse as Bridgton
Academy in Maine, a private post-graduate (year "13")
school for young men, the Wellesley
(College) Mother's Forum, speaking to parents of infants
to age 12, and Lake
Highland Preparatory School in Florida, whose students
cross the entire spectrum, from PK-12. In each place, participants
brought excellent insights and asked thoughtful questions about
a range of issues. But despite geographic, demographic, and institutional
differences, it seems people are keenly interested in knowing
the most effective strategies for building social skills in their
children or students. Those who have read my books and follow
this newsletter know that my advice comes from a synthesis of
clinical experience and scientific insight. But what are the best techniques
in this regard? Having contemplated this question for several
years, this issue of Family Matters summarizes what I
believe are the ten most useful ways to boost a young person's
social IQ.
Here we go:
10.
Build a social vocabulary
The most basic building block of being socially skilled is
to have developed a working vocabulary of social language.
A landmark
study by Hart & Risley clearly showed that children
who are exposed to social language in their home - hearing
it exchanged between parents - have a much greater likelihood
of making it part of their own speech. However old a child
might be, it's never too late to expose him or her to the rhythm,
tone, and content of social conversation. We can also accomplish
this by reading with kids, and especially by dramatizing our
reading of selected characters. With teens, we can ask them
to read passages of fiction aloud, helping them to get inside
the minds of characters and the types of language they use.
(Drama, Speech, and English classes are all obvious venues,
but there are other classroom and extracurricular opportunities
for this as well.) With respect to social skills, reading
aloud is essential. Reading quietly to yourself does not
include the highly instructive experience of hearing your own
voice produce social speech.
9.
Practice social narration
Socially skilled kids are good at guessing what other people
are thinking and feeling. We can help kids get better at
this by practicing one of my favorite techniques - social
narration. In any public place, such as the playground
or a shopping mall, ask your child to observe others from
a distance where their speech is inaudible. Then, ask what
those people might be thinking, encouraging your child to
exercise her or his social mind by interpreting body language,
and especially facial expressions. (Old silent films or muted
TV are other options, but perhaps less effective than real-life
interactions, which are more subtle.) Be open to any narrative
your child suggests, but always ask for a clear explanation
of what clues were observed to come up with that explanation.
It's very important that children anchor their interpretations
to what they see - it tilts their insights toward reality
rather than fantasy, and points the way toward "cracking
the code," see #2 below.
8.
Emphasize scripts
Do have a know a child who freezes in social situations?
Nothing turns off a person's social courage more quickly
than repeatedly drawing a blank when he knows he should
be saying something. When those of us who are comfortable
with social speech try to coach these skills, we often
make the mistake of expecting kids to remember too much.
We might give a teen several either/or options ("then if
she says this, tell her that, unless she seems sensitive
about it, then your could discuss A or B, etc."). We might
prompt a child with something like, "remember to be polite
and friendly to Uncle Ben." Huh? Please don't make the
mistake of thinking kids need to memorize what to say in
particular situations, or that they will magically know
how to be "polite and friendly." Confusion and anxiety
make it hard to problem-solve on the spot. Providing just
a few exact phrases and all purpose rules will make it
easier. For example, it's helpful for a shy teen to write
a short script before making a phone call. Middle school
students can keep a few reminders taped inside their locker
or notebook. Our message, then, is less about asking kids
to be more intuitive than it is asking them to collaborate
with us on practical ways to remind themselves of what
to say. And lots of good social intelligence is developed
when we sit down with kids, in a relaxed and playful way,
to write those scripts. Hint: While both of you
generate sample scripts orally, ask the child to do all
the writing or typing. Doing so will help those words to
take root more quickly in her brain.
7.
Encourage Practical empathy
If you've been to one of my workshops, you've heard me
discuss this topic at length. In short, empathy is the
bridge to a social conscience. It is the single most
important social attribute to build in children, especially
boys who often get confused about the difference between
empathy and submission. Having said that, I rarely actually
use the word "empathy" in my work with kids. It's too
abstract to be helpful. Instead, emphasize practical "acts
of consideration." Be specific in helping kids understand
how to be considerate - and to make it more fun, break
it down into levels of complexity, like a video game.
Level I might be something as simple as holding the door
open for someone, while a Level III could be as sophisticated
as commenting on what a child observes to be someone's
feelings. With some children you may need to keep score.
By this, I mean set goals and tally how many acts of
consideration a child can generate within a defined time
period. As always, verbally reinforce a social conscience,
both publicly and privately - just as you would a great
report card or a game winning touchdown.
6.
Think globally, act socially
It's a somewhat hollow proposition to think of social
skills as a way to win popularity contests. By the
time adolescence rolls around, kids have an inkling
of this and will be ready to relate their emerging
social awareness to big picture issues. This is the
time to introduce a discussion of broader social issues
going on in the world, and invite kids to apply what
they know about relationships to thinking about those
topics. Issues drawn from the daily news work best.
Parents can jumpstart the conversation around the dinner
table, or perhaps while on a long family drive. Our
mission here is to help young people appreciate a diversity
of wants and needs, and to expose them to the practicalities
of compromise. Remember, nothing is so gripping to
a young person as to think about the situation of a
peer with whom they can identify. When we emphasize
socially significant situations, the meaningfulness
of the conversation is rarely lost on kids. Being invited
to join this level of discussion is a signal that we
recognize their maturity, and value their thoughts.
And next time, you can ask your teenager to bring a
topic to dinner.
5.
Social skills group
Broadly speaking, social skills groups serve two
functions: learning pragmatic communication skills
and decreasing the isolation of socially challenged
kids. (I believe the second function is even more
important than the first.) A group provides a safe
place to try on and experiment with new skills
like how to greet someone, disagree without arguing,
give a compliment, or listen with your eyes. Experience
suggests many parents would be open to enrolling
a child in such a group but can't find one in their
area - aargh! That's a shame, because social skills
groups are as valuable to children as a soccer
league or Blockbuster store. A good place to start
your inquiry is with a school's guidance staff.
They may offer these types of groups themselves,
or may know professionals in the community who
provide them. You are also welcome to ask your
school or community group to contact us about how
we can train staff to lead a Mighty
Good Kids group in your area.
4.
Sending clear, positive signals
So much discussion of social skills focuses exclusively
on the perceptual side of the equation. Social
perception is certainly important, but nothing
trumps the value of consistently sending social
signals that convey "I'm likable," "easy to talk
to," or "I want to be your friend." These signals
suggest social safety and invite people to be
close to us. Smiling is the most basic of these
positive social signals. Unfortunately, it is
way underused - especially by kids who complain
that nobody like them - hmmm. Try using a mirror
to help your child notice what kinds of signals
he or she sends others. It's a cruel irony that
kids whose faces portray social fear often push
others away rather than drawing them near. Team
up with school staff to give your child regular
social coaching on how and when to send a range
of positive nonverbal signals.
3.
Get the body involved
A good rule-of-thumb to remember when working
on any type of behavior change is that action
accelerates learning. Why? Because movement
and action are highly effective forms of stimulation
that keep brains turned on, better able to
absorb and retain new learning. Boys who stare
blankly during the stillness of verbal therapy
suddenly become responsive, expressive, and
more effortful when provided an opportunity
to move while learning. In my experience, many
girls appreciate the same. Sometimes, the movement
may involve role-play of specific social skills
(see #1 below), but at other times it can be
a less structured, more playful type of interaction.
(Toss a ball, take a walk, etc.) You can use
the activity as a backdrop to verbal coaching
about a situation at home, school or elsewhere.
Finally, action is also the best way to get
the idea of empathy to sink in. A teenager
who volunteers his time in the service of others
is likely to understand empathy at a deeper
place than someone who only talks about the
idea.
2.
Teach how to "crack the code"
The underlying attitude of a teacher (and
here we use "teacher" broadly, to include
anyone working with a child) has a tremendous
effect on outcome. Forget about trying to
make kids more socially intuitive. It can't
be done, and will lead to frustration on
both ends. Instead, social skills can be
broken down into learnable, practical steps.
Committing these steps to memory is akin
to cracking the code of social interaction.
This is the secret to simultaneously relaxing
and boosting the confidence of socially awkward
children and teens. We need to make the steps
crystal clear and relatively easy to remember.
It's also helpful to drill those steps frequently,
especially before situations where core skills
can be applied. When we see kids using these
skills, we should provide ample reinforcement.
When we see them struggling, we should talk
with them about the situation using a matter-of-fact,
problem-solving tone. (Hint: Don't
say, "Why are you so shy?"
Say, "Let's make it easier for you to talk
to people.") Doing these things consistently
has a dramatic effect on a child's life.
It also teaches an empowering life lesson
- almost anything can be learned if it is
broken down into steps. Bottom line: when
we try to change who a person is, we are
likely to fail. But when we focus on building
skill sets, the leap to success is more tangible.
1.
Repetition and rehearsal
A common theme of many of the strategies
I've discussed above is how to make social
thinking and action more reflexive. Only
as social thinking becomes more automatic
do we think of someone as socially skilled.
We help kids turn this corner by giving
them structured opportunity to rehearse
what they are learning. In this regard,
we become their social surrogates, frequently
reminding them of which social goals they
are working toward, while providing abundant
opportunity to practice, practice, practice.
It's easy to turn this approach into a
game with younger children, while adolescents
may respond better to a more casual, low-key
approach. But don't let their awkwardness
with role-play trigger your own embarrassment!
People of all ages learn new skills best
through practice and immediate coaching-Toastmasters,
anyone? Hopefully, these suggestions are
a useful starting point for you. Of course,
much more about coaching social and emotional
development can be found in Boys
of Few Words, and in my workshops
on similar topics. Feel free to email my
office via this website and request to
be put on our Location List, so
that we can advise you if I'm doing a public
program in your area. (Please give name,
email, city, state/province, and which
program(s) you're interested in. Also include
contact information if you'd like us to
forward workshop information to any local
groups in your area.) Workshops
at schools and community groups help
me to explain not only "what" to do, but
show "how" to do it. The good news: social
skills can be taught and learned when we
reach out with a hand kids can grab onto.
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